says:
Vegas Coke Machine
A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.
Finally, the man behind her says, “Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?”
She replies, “Fuck off! Can’t you see I’m winning?”
Lawyer and the Devil
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.”
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”
Golf Balls and Cows
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.
“Well,” says the man, “I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife’s golf ball.”
“And?” asked the doctor.
“Well,” the man said, “that’s when I lifted the cow’s tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, ‘Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!’”
TGIF
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F.”
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
AIDS Or Alzheimer’s?
The doctor says to a man “I’m sorry, sir, but the test results have come back a tad inconclusive. Your wife could have either AIDs or Alzheimer’s. We’re not sure which”.
The man replies, “Oh my God! That’s awful! What should I do?”
The doctor says, “Take her down into the city centre and leave her there. If she finds her way back, don’t fuck her!”
Rules Of The Road In Florida
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no-fault insurance the other guy doesn’t have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.
9. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Florida is the home of high-speed slalom driving.
12. It is traditional in Florida to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light turns green.
13. Remember that the goal of every Florida driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.
14. In Florida, ‘flipping someone the bird’ is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.
Pumping Gas
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary’s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple’s tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window.
“Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?” he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. “You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him,” he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, “Well I guess you’d be pumping gas and he would be the President.”
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